Shame and Hiding in School
Many of the people with hypospadias or epispadias who have shared their stories have mentioned how tough school was for them. They felt a lot of shame about the appearance of their genitals and tried to hide, especially when in gym and swimming classes, locker rooms, and bathrooms. Some people with special requirements such as needing catheters or incontinence equipment felt that the arrangements made with the school made their differences too visible to their peers. Many parents are worried that their children will be easy targets for teasing or bullying.
We all know that shame is really painful. We probably wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemies. We try to hide, but hiding brings isolation and can make shame even worse if we’re discovered. We certainly don’t want our children to suffer from shame or to feel the need to hide. But isn’t shame an inevitable part of life? In my opinion, most of the situations which cause children to feel shame can be prevented.
Shame-making situations fall into two classes. First, interactions where the child is made to feel “not normal” or “defective” will bring on feelings of shame and therefore attempts to hide. Preventing such interactions requires changing attitudes. Attitude change is difficult but not impossible. A lot of what HEA does is about attitude change. We try to help people realize that being different is not being defective.
The second type of shame-making situation is when a person is teased or bullied for having a certain trait or condition. Being teased can sometimes feel good when it is an expression of love. More often, though, it feels awful because the teaser is deliberately trying to humiliate us. Bullying can feel even worse, because it usually involves public humiliation and can include physical assault. Traditionally, teasing and bullying among children were considered to be unavoidable: humans by nature were thought to want to feel more powerful than everyone else. Sometimes, it was believed that being the target of teasing and bullying would make the person stronger, less sensitive, and more assertive. Sometimes bullies were admired for their supposed strength and competence, while the victims were pitied for their supposed weakness and incompetence. Bystanders were encouraged to find humor in bullying and to enjoy the excitement of watching aggression happen.
Research has shown that the traditional conception of teasing and bullying as an inevitable and mostly harmless part of childhood is wrong. Teasing and bullying are not indications of strength or superiority but rather are examples of social abuse and symptoms of psychological problems. Furthermore, these behaviors hurt both victims and bystanders by creating a climate of fear, callousness, and disrespect for everyone involved. Children who tease and bully often become perpetrators of greater violence. Children who are teased or bullied often become withdrawn, depressed, fearful, and afraid of school. Children who witness teasing and bullying feel powerless and anxious—they may attempt to feel more powerful by becoming bullies themselves.
In the past decade, 40 states in the US have required that schools institute anti-bullying programs. The best of these programs change the climate of the school. The US Department of Health and Human Services Health Resources and Services Administration has established a wonderful web site on what we can do to stop bullying.
One of their tip sheets describes what changes to the school climate would look like:
To reduce bullying, it is important to change the climate of the school and the social norms with regard to bullying. It must become “uncool” to bully, “cool” to help out students who are bullied, and normative for staff and students to notice when a child is bullied or left out. This requires the efforts of everyone in the school environment—teachers, administrators, counselors, other non-teaching staff (such as bus drivers, nurses, school resource officers, custodians, cafeteria workers, and school librarians), parents, and students. (“Best Practices in Bullying Prevention and Intervention,” Stop Bullying Now!, http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/tip-sheets/tip-sheet-23.aspx, accessed 7/8/09.)
Imagine going to school in a place where people notice if you’re bullied or left out and where it’s “cool” for people to help you out. Can we make it happen for our children and the children in our communities? I think so.