Ask Tiger
Dear Tiger,
I struggle trying to tell someone I am dating about my hypospadias. Sometimes it comes out like I am saying I expect to die by next week. Sometimes I say it too casually and they are taken aback as it is more serious. I know that there is no “canned response” but can you help me think of a way to approach this?
Jason
Dear Jason,
This depends on how you conduct your sex life; if you are pursuing casual sex, then telling your partner all about hypospadias is probably a waste of their time. They just want to have sex, and so do you, and getting each other off is what its all about, not about talking before hand. Or sharing some kind of intimacy.
If you are dating someone you have feelings for and might want to get more seriously involved with, then sitting them down and telling them that you want to be sexual with them, and that sex has meaning to you (involves intimacy and trust) and that you need to talk about that before you get naked together. If they are responsive to that and want to talk, then tell them that you were born with a genital difference that is very common, and that you wanted to tell them about it before just showing it to them.
I would spare people the diagnosis name (hypospadias) and instead just describe your genitals "my pee hole is larger than usual and goes down my shaft a bit" or "my pee hole is at the base of my penis and my penis has a curve when its hard" or "I have some scars on the underside of my penis from where they fixed a hole" and that your penis gets hard and feels good and you have orgasms and enjoy sex. Let them know they can ask you questions if they want, and that you want them to take a look with you if they want to go ahead and have sex. Be prepared that there are people that want a perfect partner with a perfect penis and that just this much talk might be enough for them to withdraw from you as a potential sex partner.
Although you might feel hurt, I would argue that its better to be hurt on the basis of this little bit of information being exchanged than having them look at your penis and rejecting you at that point. Keep the language simple and don't bore them with a bunch of science and activism—"let me tell you about HEA"—unless you are very interested in them and they are very interested in you.